Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
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I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late