@lovemydogduck

Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.

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@musicntats

10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏

@Mashby811

I think I have a sleeping disorder.

It’s called children

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Kanye West says he’s the Michael Jordan of music. If he’s talking about the time when Michael Jordan was playing baseball, I totally agree.

@protolalia

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

@3sunzzz

My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?

@brennadine

Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.

@lazerdoov

I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them