Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
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I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.