ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Attention Walmart Shoppers.
Worst case scenario on aisle 5.
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Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Obama just said that no one is listening to our phones..I wonder if he realizes that the LAST thing we do with our phones is make a call!
Whenever I can’t sleep, I always end up eating like 37 snacks in bed.
It’s called insom-nom-nom-nia.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
GIRL NEARBY: I’m breaking up with you, Kevin. You don’t talk about Pokemon enough.
[I sit up straight and frantically try smoothing my hair]
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Some people are down to earth while others are not quite far down enough.
Me: So you collect pictures of guys with their height and weight? Sounds a lot like Grindr
Friend: THEY’RE BASEBALL CARDS, JERK