Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Attention Walmart Shoppers.
Worst case scenario on aisle 5.
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American dog: *pants*
British dog: *trousers*
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Pro Tip: Don’t EVER tell a 10yr old boy that you don’t “get” X-Men.
Because. They. Will. Explain. It.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
I don’t get why some girls don’t make airplane noises before putting their tampons in
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Coworker: does your beard keep you warm?
Me: does your mustache keep you warm?
Me: WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHY ARE YOU CRYING, BRENDA