@Marcmywords2

Attention Walmart Shoppers.
Worst case scenario on aisle 5.

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@ClichedOut

ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer

HER: it’s ok i don’t drink

ME: ok we have 2 problems

@MorticiaKate

Me: I have no choice, there is no other way

*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*

@stonedcoldlazy

Obama just said that no one is listening to our phones..I wonder if he realizes that the LAST thing we do with our phones is make a call!

@om_eye_goodness

Whenever I can’t sleep, I always end up eating like 37 snacks in bed.

It’s called insom-nom-nom-nia.

@Vice_Queen

[Blazing hot day]

Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.

~ My mom.

@bromanconsul

GIRL NEARBY: I’m breaking up with you, Kevin. You don’t talk about Pokemon enough.
[I sit up straight and frantically try smoothing my hair]

@primawesome

I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.

@KenJennings

Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: So you collect pictures of guys with their height and weight? Sounds a lot like Grindr

Friend: THEY’RE BASEBALL CARDS, JERK