@Marcmywords2

Attention Walmart Shoppers.
Worst case scenario on aisle 5.

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@eff_yeah_steph

Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*

@callie_cakes

Pro Tip: Don’t EVER tell a 10yr old boy that you don’t “get” X-Men.

Because. They. Will. Explain. It.

@Ideal_Victoria

I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school

@DeanB15

Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.

@Sean_Burgundy_

I don’t get why some girls don’t make airplane noises before putting their tampons in

@MatCro

ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film

HIPSTER: I preferred the original

M: Original? What original?

H: Nosfera One.

@TheMichaelRock

Coworker: does your beard keep you warm?

Me: does your mustache keep you warm?

Coworker….

Me: WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHY ARE YOU CRYING, BRENDA