“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
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3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
adding to the discourse
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly