Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
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Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)