Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
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Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)