Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Attention: Will the owners of a blue planet with plate tectonics please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.
You Might Also Like
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
– a love story
Canadian Psycho, but it’s just a businessman walking around with a chainsaw, apologizing profusely
Just banged my toe on a table & kept moaning in pain so much that I made a new Coldplay song.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being