Attention: Will the owners of a blue planet with plate tectonics please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.

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Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since


Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.


Canadian Psycho, but it’s just a businessman walking around with a chainsaw, apologizing profusely


Just banged my toe on a table & kept moaning in pain so much that I made a new Coldplay song.


“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”

-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.


[explaining fingernails to an alien]

ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.

ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.


employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao


Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being