@TheTweetOfGod

Attention: Will the owners of a blue planet with plate tectonics please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.

You Might Also Like

@IvoryGazelle

Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since

@ConanOBrien

Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Canadian Psycho, but it’s just a businessman walking around with a chainsaw, apologizing profusely

@KKAlThani

Just banged my toe on a table & kept moaning in pain so much that I made a new Coldplay song.

@Smug_Lemur

“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”

-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.

@markydoodoo

[explaining fingernails to an alien]

ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.

ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.

@EJGomez

employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao

@BigJDubz

Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being