me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
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There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
lmao
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.