If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
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Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
The photographer’s assistant
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
War & Peace
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd