Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
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i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Krampus.
hi why am I like this
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.