Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
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I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.