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Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers