Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
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waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Friend: oh my god, I’m pregnant, what have I done?
Me: like, to humanity?
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Some lady at the gas station told me I was a giant prick, I smiled and said thanks….. I thought I was just average. 🍆😏
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]