@warbird622

Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..

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@caithuls

Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s

@ClichedOut

waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that

me: yes

@Browtweaten

Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up

Me: I said I was sorry

Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*

@roxiqt

If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?

@mela_shea

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

@jxeker

i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police

@JamieLeeCuntis

Friend: oh my god, I’m pregnant, what have I done?

Me: like, to humanity?

@aveuaskew

Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.

@RauschJohn1

Some lady at the gas station told me I was a giant prick, I smiled and said thanks….. I thought I was just average. 🍆😏

@Diversion50

“I’m Bond. James Bond”.

Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.

I’m Evil. Ken Evil.

[speeds cycle up ramp]

[jumps 8 cars & a bus]