Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
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This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO