@ericsshadow

ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess

ME: i sell human organs on the black market

JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more

You Might Also Like

@Rollinintheseat

*Shakespeare resetting his password*

“Enter new password.”

Fortnight

“Your password is two weeks.”

@Tmoney68

If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.

@adamlucidi

All my exes are engaged, married, and/or have kids. I’m single. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve won.

@Darchstar007

Wife: every time we argue, you think you’re right. Me: yes, because if I thought you were right, I wouldn’t be arguing…

@carlyken

Buy Domino’s
Fire everyone
Hire dragons
Fire roasted pizzas
Delivery in six minutes or less

IMAGINE DRAGONS

@ryangriffiths

CAPS LOCK ON

caps lock off

CAPS LOCK ON

caps lock off

– Mr Miyagi [2014]

@shashaintl

Me: We need to go.

11: Go without me.

7: Sometimes when parents go without their kids, they get arrested, and I can’t let that happen.

@DurtMcHurtt

When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.

@954LeenO

Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.