ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
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I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.