Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
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‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
I love art.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
dutch so unserious
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’