ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?

ME: Not murdering.

ATTORNEY: But where were you?

ME: {sweating} The not murder store.

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Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”

Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”


The trick to a good AVI is finding your best characteristic and flaunting it. I obviously am a fan of my nostrils.


It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds


How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?


if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?


If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.


No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.


James Blunt: you’re beautiful

James Blunter: I’ve seen better


[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body


Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?

Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.