@FrazzleMyGimp

ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?

ME: Not murdering.

ATTORNEY: But where were you?

ME: {sweating} The not murder store.

You Might Also Like

@UncleDuke1969

Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”

Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”

@just1fool

The trick to a good AVI is finding your best characteristic and flaunting it. I obviously am a fan of my nostrils.

@a_simpl_man

It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds

@tudorgrrrl

How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?

@JoshMarino420

if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?

@mack44_d

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

@longwall26

No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.

@ClichedOut

James Blunt: you’re beautiful

James Blunter: I’ve seen better

@CornOnTheGoblin

[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body

@ClichedOut

Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?

Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.