[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
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When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.