@cravin4

[Attorney’s office]

*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*

Guess I just made an ash out of myself.

Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?

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@sixfootcandy

Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?

@NotJPo

I just ate so much Chinese food that now I’m able to use algorithms based on linear algebra to solve large numerical systems.

@thenatewolf

Mechanic: you need a new carburetor

Me: you can call it a buretor, I know lots about cars, I’m like you

@AndyRichter

If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved

@TheDailySchmuck

They say all of this started because Eve ate an apple.

Clearly, the book was altered.

Everyone knows it had to be chocolate.

@Angrea

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

@thebitchyfairy

My ex-husband once gave me a book called Banish Your Belly, Butt, and Thighs, and the fact that he’s now Single, Bald, and Fat is one time the universe has come through for me.

@EndhooS

Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea

@MarfSalvador

[bakery]

me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?