[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
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I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
#milo
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up