Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
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Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave