[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
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A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
fair
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets