My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
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I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.