[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
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Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
When I snag the last meatball.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around