@Pork_Chop_Hair

[audition]

Casting Director: can you do accents?

Me: *cries Britishly*

CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?

Me: *cries in Japanese*

CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly

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@ONHERPERlOD

Why are middle school girls skipping the awkward stage & going straight to pretty? No no, you get braces &wear blue eyeshadow. Do your time.

@Ideal_Victoria

Note to self:

Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”

@TheTweetOfGod

People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

[cat starts snoring]

Awwww.

[dog starts snoring]

Awwww.

[spouse starts snoring]

I would murder you twice right now if I could.

@TheBeerGuy_

What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?

@fuzzlime

life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS

@caliluvgirl77

Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window

Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.

@bartandsoul

My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk

@miffedmim

Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above