Why are middle school girls skipping the awkward stage & going straight to pretty? No no, you get braces &wear blue eyeshadow. Do your time.
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
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Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
[cat starts snoring]
[dog starts snoring]
[spouse starts snoring]
I would murder you twice right now if I could.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above