[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
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Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended