(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
You Might Also Like
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”