You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
You Might Also Like
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general