Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
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Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
True
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed