I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
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Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Some people were born into their job.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?