Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
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The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
*updates tinder bio*
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
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Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.