@Izianikapani

Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.

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@PanicRestroom

It’s like grandma always said…
In a car with a sunroof, you have more room for your legs

@KaylarWill

It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus

@gabemakesmusic

I was kicked out of karate class today for describing everything the instructor did as “senseitational”

@patnspankme

Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.

@bencoffeehall

If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.

@lisa_curry

Me: Time to relax and get into bed!

The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?

Me: Yes, obviously.

@SatansTongue

Tv: The abominable snowman is very dangerous
“Obamanible snowman…?”
*obama walks in*
Everything okay joe?
*nervously*
“Uh yeah just fine”

@lilgapeach32

Stop, collaborate and listen. Manda’s back with news from the kitchen. Calories grab a hold of me tightly I want nachos daily and nightly…

@TheBoydP

*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*