It’s like grandma always said…
In a car with a sunroof, you have more room for your legs
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
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It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
I was kicked out of karate class today for describing everything the instructor did as “senseitational”
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Tv: The abominable snowman is very dangerous
*obama walks in*
Everything okay joe?
“Uh yeah just fine”
Stop, collaborate and listen. Manda’s back with news from the kitchen. Calories grab a hold of me tightly I want nachos daily and nightly…
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
*Goes to work*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*