Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
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Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
The legends speak of a third Duran…
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
The “baby” on the left….
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
R.I.P.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.