My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
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I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Monica just destroyed the internet
These dogs look like they have good credit.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
I have a type: disappointing
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
#ThisMakesMeLaugh