3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
AUSTRALIA: Massive community barbecue has been planned in Perth, outside the home of a vegan woman who took her neighbour to court because she could smell barbecued meat in her backyard.
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By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Him: What are you?
Me: An introvert.
Him: I don’t get it. It just looks like normal clothes.
Me: *already went home*
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
I must be looking extra good today because this dude with a backpack on the side of the road was giving me the big thumbs up. Thanks man!
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”