My kids seem to remember everything they ever wanted to tell me whenever I’m in the bathroom with the door shut.
AUSTRALIA: Massive community barbecue has been planned in Perth, outside the home of a vegan woman who took her neighbour to court because she could smell barbecued meat in her backyard.
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Cop: do u have anything illegal in the vehicle
Me: *thinks about all the drugs in the car* no
Cop: why did you just say asterisk thinks abo
Susan broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.
Parents Then: YOU’RE GOING TO SMOKE THE WHOLE CARTON, MISTER.
Parents Today: Explain it to me again … You’re a Nazi, but on the computer?
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-
She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.
I know this now.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
If white people know how to say Daenerys Targaryen, they can learn to pronounce your name correctly.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD