Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
australia really needs to invent a shazam for spiders so i can tell if this thing on the wall is a daddy longlegs or a bitey deathmaker 3000
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The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
When God sends confusion into the camp of your enemies
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Instead of a flower girl, I want a parmesan boy to sprinkle cheese down the aisle at my wedding
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?