@wheelswordsmith

australia really needs to invent a shazam for spiders so i can tell if this thing on the wall is a daddy longlegs or a bitey deathmaker 3000

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@stephanidek

Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible

Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too

@ExcuseMyTweets

The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets

@XplodingUnicorn

[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It’s not one of ours.

[we fist bump]

@niks27_shah

I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”

@AndrewNadeau0

INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.

@Smooheed

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

@U_Want_Shum_M8

Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing

@jaimekessel

Instead of a flower girl, I want a parmesan boy to sprinkle cheese down the aisle at my wedding

@Brampersandon_

[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?