@CAshmanActor

AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?

ME: No, I was happy with my first try.

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@AndrewNadeau0

ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.

CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.

ME: I will take 4 parrots.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

@bhizzle13

I do it doggy style… as in I spin around three times before I sit on the toilet.

@EJGomez

*slams fists on coffee table*
WHAT WAS SCAR FROM LION KINGS NAME BEFORE HE GOT THE SCAR

@SharkJelly

[At Adele Concert]

Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide

Me (shouting): Tell us your surname

@tigermcleash

Daddy?

Yeah, Bud

Can you scour the house looking EVERYWHERE for something I’m poorly describing that you’ve never seen or heard of before?

@iwearaonesie

wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again

@The_MartiniGirl

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

@dulcetry

My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download