AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
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Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
True