ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
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On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
I do it doggy style… as in I spin around three times before I sit on the toilet.
*slams fists on coffee table*
WHAT WAS SCAR FROM LION KINGS NAME BEFORE HE GOT THE SCAR
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Can you scour the house looking EVERYWHERE for something I’m poorly describing that you’ve never seen or heard of before?
wife [whispers] Josh
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download