@CAshmanActor

AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?

ME: No, I was happy with my first try.

AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?

ME: No, I was happy with my first try.

- @CAshmanActor

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@mikeleffingwell

Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.

@sixfootcandy

I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”

@andylassner

I’m always sad when I see a homeless person or someone with a Blackberry.

@Sassafrantz

Accidentally left my phone at home, now I know how Kevin McCallister’s parents felt.

@SlappNuttz

My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.

So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.

@Shenaniglenns

ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.

TEACHER: It should all be present tense.

ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.

@RickAaron

Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.

@relatabledad

“hey is that a banana in your pock–”
*his pants open*
*a banana steps out*
*it walks towards you*
*it hugs you*
“u have freed me. thank u

@Sharronica

Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?