HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
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HR: You said: You’re “moist” welcome?
HR: You’re fine.
HR: I meant: you’re fired. Autocorrect.
[First day as hitman]
ME: Don’t worry boss, I’ll deal with him accordionly.
BOSS: Wait, you mean accordingly?
ME: *hides accordion* yes.
Me: Whatcha making?
Mom: Dill bread.
Me: So, do you have yeast on your dill dough?
Mom: Get out.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha
Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Makes eye contact with female. Medusa.
Today TO DO list:
1) vacuum huge spider in living room??
3)throw vacuum cleaner outside??
4)buy new spiderless vacuum
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”