@gogglepossum

[Australian recipe for upside down cake]

1: make cake

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@TheAndrewNadeau

HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.

PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.

HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.

PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.

@LosLos__

HR: You said: You’re “moist” welcome?

Me: Autocorrect.

HR: You’re fine.

Me: Sweet!

HR: I meant: you’re fired. Autocorrect.

@TheJK_Story

[First day as hitman]
ME: Don’t worry boss, I’ll deal with him accordionly.

BOSS: Wait, you mean accordingly?

ME: *hides accordion* yes.

@shkeeber

Me: Whatcha making?

Mom: Dill bread.

Me: So, do you have yeast on your dill dough?

Mom: Get out.

@lloydrang

“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.

@kathybotteas

All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.

@ArfMeasures

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

@vodkachops1

Today TO DO list:

1) vacuum huge spider in living room??

2) panic??

3)throw vacuum cleaner outside??

4)buy new spiderless vacuum

@RadWizzy

[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]

“Stop hurting that octopus!”