Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
[australia’s first national meeting]
Do we want to make our own language?
That’s too hard, let’s keep this one but say everything weird
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Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”
[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”
“Welcome to Management”
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
I caught two teens smoking pot behind my office. Ten minutes later, my boss caught two teens and myself smoking pot behind my office.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning