@NicestHippo

[australia’s first national meeting]
Do we want to make our own language?
That’s too hard, let’s keep this one but say everything weird

You Might Also Like

@Sadieisonfire

I put Infinite Warfare on Craigslist and of course I’m getting the geniuses texting me

@therealeatwood

GURU: You have achieved the state of sak?d?g?min: you will reach nirv??a within seven lifetimes

ME: [slipping him a $20] How about six

@LittleMissAngr1

I used the entire box of tissues to blow my nose at my therapist’s office to make a point about her switching to a subpar generic brand and instead of apologizing about the tissues all she could talk about is some idea that I’m passive aggressive.

@ArfMeasures

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

@miliondollameat

wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af

@pilau

Man: You’re killing me

Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material

@TheCiscoKidder

Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.

@MacAnnabella

“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”

I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.

@Carbosly

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.