I put Infinite Warfare on Craigslist and of course I’m getting the geniuses texting me
[australia’s first national meeting]
Do we want to make our own language?
That’s too hard, let’s keep this one but say everything weird
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GURU: You have achieved the state of sak?d?g?min: you will reach nirv??a within seven lifetimes
ME: [slipping him a $20] How about six
I used the entire box of tissues to blow my nose at my therapist’s office to make a point about her switching to a subpar generic brand and instead of apologizing about the tissues all she could talk about is some idea that I’m passive aggressive.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit
me: no babe she woke af
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!