Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
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If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen