Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
You Might Also Like
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
guilty
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
181.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!