Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
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2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details