@DaveAmiott

Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…

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@Xtina_Crawford

6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher

Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?

6: Chick-fil-A

@abbycohenwl

Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!

@CAshmanActor

CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*

ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!

CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?

ME: *Considers* … come in.

@AristotlesNZ

Me: BOOP! teehee!
Cop: ..
Me: sorry. did you want me to touch MY nose?

@TheTweetOfGod

When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”

@SamSkoronski

*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*

ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?

@oothikicha

The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.

@gregreckons

Her: How do you like your eggs?

Me: Wrapped in foil by Cadbury.

@rn_murse

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.