Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
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if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.