Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
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I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.