@MissSassy_Pants

Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.

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@OBiiieeee

HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES

@Matt_The_1st

Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles

@KentWGraham

Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.

@_NTFG_

I party like a Rockstar.
A very poor Rockstar who isn’t in a band anymore and starts yawning by 9pm and just wants to be home drinking tea.

@Jandalize

With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.

@XplodingUnicorn

God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.

Angel: What do you call it?

God: A toddler.

@zgbetty

The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.

@mommajessiec

*pile of dishes in the sink*

*laundry hamper overflowing*

*toothpaste smeared across the sinks*

*toys scattered across the house*

Husband: *leaf-blowing the attic*

@ohen39

[meeting girlfriend’s parents]
her dad: we’ll be seeing more of each other then?
me: *points to girlfriend* I have a girlfriend