@WilliamAder

Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.

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@aligarchy

sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel

@neiltyson

Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.

@dafloydsta

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances

@AndyAsAdjective

My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.

@rumandrocks

That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…

@FredTaming

[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven

@tnylgn

I’m not afraid to die, I’m afraid my friends will give me the funeral I told them I wanted when I was drunk.

@4SLars

**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.

@MommaUnfiltered

I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage