Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
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Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
This is not me but this is me
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑