Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
You Might Also Like
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Safety first
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful