Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
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I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Reporter: *ports again*
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.