@WilliamAder

Auto-correct turned “likeable” into “lickable” and the new intern is confused by her evaluation.

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@LackOfShame

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

@char2_D2

Overheard in my dorm, from the hallway: “Dude, are those tearaway pants?” *ripping sound* “DUDE THAT’S SO COOL”

@FredTaming

scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?

other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?

scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours

@kelkulus

Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.

@MollySneed

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

@LeBearGirdle

Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!

@TheAlexNevil

Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:

@ErrenMichaels

[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]

Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

@ravenswng_

Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.