Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
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I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.