When a pterodactyl urinates, no one hears it. (silent P)
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
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STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Chandler is FUNNY
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
I may have hit rock bottom, but the upside of being down here, is I can see up all of your skirts.
As you were.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Women say they like a man in uniform but I’ve been wearing this naughty nurse outfit all day and not a single woman has approached me yet 🙁
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.