Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.

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When a pterodactyl urinates, no one hears it. (silent P)


STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S

Rachel is KIND



Phoebe is TALENTED


Chandler is FUNNY


I may have hit rock bottom, but the upside of being down here, is I can see up all of your skirts.

As you were.


My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.


Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.


Women say they like a man in uniform but I’ve been wearing this naughty nurse outfit all day and not a single woman has approached me yet 🙁


her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin



me: i’m taking a plane, Karen


I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.


Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.

Me: this is my service burrito.