@Cidisn

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.

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@ashmensch

I thought I was losing weight but apparently I just forgot to tie my sweatpants.

@nbadag

FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that

@psybermonkey

[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.

@theshamingofjay

TRUMP: I’m building a wall to keep Mexicans out.
AMERICANS: I’m going to Canada if Trump is elected.
CANADIANS: We need to build a wall.

@notmythirdrodeo

My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.

@someofmybest

sorry to bodyshame, but ferrets have no business being that long

@ThatBrenna

It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.

@KevinFarzad

Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.

@warhorse76

Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.

@MyNameIsArchaic

Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.