I thought I was losing weight but apparently I just forgot to tie my sweatpants.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
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FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
TRUMP: I’m building a wall to keep Mexicans out.
AMERICANS: I’m going to Canada if Trump is elected.
CANADIANS: We need to build a wall.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
sorry to bodyshame, but ferrets have no business being that long
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.