My 8yo knows exactly how many hours are left until Christmas but can’t remember to flush the toilet.
“Cody, for the last time, it’s still a carburetor even when it’s in a van”
“Or a truck”
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Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?
Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body
[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood
[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
My daughter ruined her Halloween costume. Gonna wrap her in aluminum foil and send her out as a leftover.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.