Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
“Cody, for the last time, it’s still a carburetor even when it’s in a van”
“Or a truck”
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*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..