Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
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I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it