[Auto-shop class]
“Cody, for the last time, it’s still a carburetor even when it’s in a van”

*raises hand*

“Or a truck”

*lowers hand*

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My 8yo knows exactly how many hours are left until Christmas but can’t remember to flush the toilet.


[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first


[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body

[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood

[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]


If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2


“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….


Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.


[paying at chipotle]

ME: i got a burrito

CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars

ME: with guac

CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars


My daughter ruined her Halloween costume. Gonna wrap her in aluminum foil and send her out as a leftover.


Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.


If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.