@RxitWounds

[Auto-shop class]
“Cody, for the last time, it’s still a carburetor even when it’s in a van”

*raises hand*

“Or a truck”

*lowers hand*

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@krisv_723

*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.

@pumpkin_horse

*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you

@iRowlf

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: Why is the dog limping?

Me: *uncomfortable pause*

Wife: Well?

Me: Uncomfortable paws?

@KarenKilgariff

FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian

@AndrewNadeau0

Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.

@Love_bug1016

89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.

@DirtMcTurd

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.

@River_Niles

Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..

Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..