Today’s Times
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A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
motivation
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.