Autocannibalism is self-serving.
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Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
superman landing like a plane on his belly
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.