Autocarrot sucks!
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Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service