Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
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my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders