@shariv67

Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.

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@thedad

DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer

@LnL245

I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car

@BoomBoomBetty

I hope your TARDIS cookie jars often disappear from your kitchen counters. When they reappear they have a new variety of cookie in them and you just accept it because it seems like a good time for a new cookie.

@junejuly12

*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym*

*wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*

@virtualhippie

Being high in front of your parents is like trying to do your best impression of yourself.

@SteveMartinToGo

This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.

@noog

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA

@SoNotBrendan

Apple and Puma have developed smart track pants, they’re called iPumaPants.

@treydayway

Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.

@Bob_Janke

I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.