Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
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My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.